Good Grief

Where the Heart is: Letter to my Parents

*Ok...I'm really mentally tired from writing a 11 page (no double space!) plot for a play. The sentence structure and errors may be in abundance. Please bear with me and know that this too shall pass :-)*


Just sitting at the computer catching up on the latest blog gossip @FirstKlassMail here on blogspot. I'm minding my own business and my mother lays a cup of Kool Aid down next to the computer table. The same woman who not 10 minutes ago fussed at me for leaving the oven on...

I take a sip of the Kool Aid and realize that it's a can of her Arizona Mango Ice Tea...smh...I'm such a jerk.

Dear Momma: I secretly love you more than anyone else. I listen to everything you say. I feel uneasy not heeding your advice. I get homesick for your voice. You are the wisest woman I know.

I admit, the last 10 years with me as a daughter hasn't been easy. We didn't always getting along. This due to my lack of being able to communicate my feelings. I'm very private and afraid of rejection. I never want you to reject me. I love you to much for you to reject me...so sometimes I keep the other side of me to myself. I'm honestly trying to change that. I'd love to share with you the way other girls share with their mothers.

But I love you...and I've opened up to you on some of the toughest situations. I sit there and just wait a good thirty minutes next to you. You can tell that I have something to say but you never rush me. I eventually talk...sometimes I can't talk due to fear, sometimes it's excitement, other times I'm just trying to say it right. Yet, you always taught me to say what you need to say. I think it comes from me being cronically non-confrontational. I hate confrontation...of course when push I push back. However I'm that person that cries in a fight. Not because I'm scared...but because you're digging...forcing me to open up. You say to me all the time that all anyone can ever give me as an answer is "Yes" or "No". While no is harder to take than yes, that's all the power anyone ever has over me. You noticed that I had an irrational fear of using the telephone. I hated the ringing, and I especially hated the "hello" from the other end. You told me to stop acting crazy, and I realized that I was being neurotic. You shape my thought and actions whether I agree with you or not. I respect you even though I don't always do things to your approval. At times I have to fight you for you to see that I am my own woman. But never will I love someone the way I love you. You have the keys to more than my heart. Thinking about the way you know me and the way you know my mind...a deeper connection to my thoughts I will never know (Except God ofcourse). Thanks for having me. Thanks for being my mom. Thank God for the woman you've become. I love you.

Dear Daddy:

I'm about to be 23 years old and I will always call you "daddy". You're a real man: a hard worker, a stern teacher, a storyteller, annoying, playful...all those things a man is. I hope to find a guy if not as good as you then better...I'm not settling down for anyone. I admire your persitence and perserverence. What you lack in formal education you've taught yourself (this is making me cry). Watching sitting at the dining room table for hours into the morning reading book after book about construction and handy work....you're so amazing. You're amazing in the quiet way that makes you a man. You don't brag about the things you do because you know that is what expected of you...I appreciate that. I appreciate the fact that you stayed in New York to work while your family moved to Alabama in order to give us a better life. You're stoic in the hardtimes...and if you do show any emotions it is that of happiness. I get my laid-back spirit from you. You can be mean and a smart alec...and I get that from you. But even when you're messing with me and I'm trying not to laugh I end up laughing any way. I love you and appreciate you for giving me so much of your character. I love you because it comes natural.

I can still remeber...even though I was a tiny girl months and months without seeing you. I may have been 3 or four...you were in New York. It was the holidays and I was in mom's old room upstairs. The radio was playing "I'll be home for Christmas". That was the first time I was ever moved to tears by a song...I wiped my tears and went to mom and thought about you. I love you and I wish I could take care of you the way you've taken care of me.

It's clear that you two are the very best parents I could ever have. I wouldn't trade you two for younger parents and I don't ever want you two to ever be ashamed of me. A part of me lives and strives for being the best because of you. God, thank you for such divine inspiration.

To Whom This May Concern: Letter to my Crush

A crush for me is someone that I look at and I'm willing to pursue. I've not had many crushes...I don't feel as thought I should have to pursue a man...however I may try to lure him in.

There was this one guy though, one guy that I tried to go after on my own. I prayed one of those selfish prayers that I pray when I want things to go exactly how I want even though the situation is absolutely opposite of my own good...like I'm praying against myself on purpose. Needless to say God loves me too much to answer my selfish prayers. But now this is becoming about me instead of a letter to him...

So...

Dear "Perfection",

I put you on a pedestal and I admire you from a far off. I wasn't always this nervous about talking to you until I realized how much I liked you. Now when I see you  it seems as though you're walking in blurry, hazey slow motion. You fill my line of sight, I'm deaf to all other sounds, you touch me and my knees fail...good thing you're hugs sweep me off my feet (literally). You're embrace is warm and playful...uhhhh...but puh-leez stop kissing my cheeks with those lucious lips!That really isn't fair! You like my ears and pinch them between your perfectly square lovely white teeth. I can't stand it and I ask you to stop because I really don't want you to...because I really want some more commitment then a nick-name, hugs and kisses. I want you all to myself even though I know you only like the way I look and like the way I smell, but that's not enough for you to be more than just "Perfection". I want to know what makes you imperfect...I want the real human you and not my perfect fantasy.So by now I'm sooo desperate to have you in my life I just go ahead and tell you via facebook message. You brush it off like it's not that serious...you don't like me like that. I'm crushed...guess that's where the name comes from. I built you up so high and mighty that when your words came tumbling down I had little shelter...crushed. Then some time later you rant about a fit of jealously when you saw me with a mutual friend of ours. I couldn't believe my ears because the timing was just awful. I had just been dumped and that's far worse than being crushed because I invested so much time...then you call me and I really think you're stupid and I hate you a little for wasting my time. Eventually wounds heal...but I don't feel like pursuing you any more. I still think you are the best looking guy that I've ever met because you meet all of my top qualifications.

*Sigh*

Tall...dark brown...dark eyes...deep voice...muscular...humorous...happy.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hunt for guys that look like this but you are exactly what I've always wanted...but I guess I don't know myself as well as God does. Or at least you weren't the guy who met my higher specifications. Smh...I've got to do better.

Ah well, I hope you're happy and that God blesses you even if He doesn't bless you with me.

Love,

Me

P.S. (Please...)

The Fallen: Letter to the Best Friend

I have a seriously bad feeling...a headache, a back ache...I don't feel so well.
I walk outside to the car to grab something...I never make it.
The world through my eyes is spinning, my blood burns through my flesh
I'm on the phone and answering and speaking and talking coherently but it's a coverup
Because I really feel like screaming...I really feel like passing out.
I feel a million and one feelings and I'm suppose to be the grown one.
Now I've got chest pains and a tingling sensations that ripples through my body
My head is pounding and I can't drive to your house fast enough...
Nobody at your mom's house...not even a single person
You are not at your own house and I'm freaking terrified.
I fear the worst...I fear the worst...nothing could possibly be worse than this.
I'm not crying yet but I'm in the middle of a small panic attack
Until I see Shelly and then I just let go
Where are you?
"Yeah, she's gone"
Is that all they had to say to us as proof?!
Why was I the last to know?!
I was just there with you...laughing with you...hurting for you...thinking about you.
I was trying to give you a little space because we had spent so much time together lately
Now I wish I had never left. I wish I stayed every single moment. I never should've left.
My emotions were so wild. I laughed and cried and laughed...I felt so crazy...help me God!
Then watching Jai on the ground doing the things I felt
Collapsing, screaming, shaking, sobbing....the denial.

The confirmation.

Nobody will every understand the part of me that you saw in me.
The things that you see that I don't have to explain....feels like I lost a piece of my heart.
Nobody argued with me the way you did...nobody butted heads with me and debated with me like you...nobody ever made me look into another person's life experience like you did.
You were a part of me that taught me to love and respect others for who they are.

But you were also the one that snickered and laughed and made those awful jokes...I miss them
I miss your presence, your voice...I miss you.

I wish I could explain to you all the things that you've help me become if you didn't already know.

My head is killing me and I'm done for now but I really loved you and I'll always cherish your memory.