The Fallen: Letter to the Best Friend

I have a seriously bad feeling...a headache, a back ache...I don't feel so well.
I walk outside to the car to grab something...I never make it.
The world through my eyes is spinning, my blood burns through my flesh
I'm on the phone and answering and speaking and talking coherently but it's a coverup
Because I really feel like screaming...I really feel like passing out.
I feel a million and one feelings and I'm suppose to be the grown one.
Now I've got chest pains and a tingling sensations that ripples through my body
My head is pounding and I can't drive to your house fast enough...
Nobody at your mom's house...not even a single person
You are not at your own house and I'm freaking terrified.
I fear the worst...I fear the worst...nothing could possibly be worse than this.
I'm not crying yet but I'm in the middle of a small panic attack
Until I see Shelly and then I just let go
Where are you?
"Yeah, she's gone"
Is that all they had to say to us as proof?!
Why was I the last to know?!
I was just there with you...laughing with you...hurting for you...thinking about you.
I was trying to give you a little space because we had spent so much time together lately
Now I wish I had never left. I wish I stayed every single moment. I never should've left.
My emotions were so wild. I laughed and cried and laughed...I felt so crazy...help me God!
Then watching Jai on the ground doing the things I felt
Collapsing, screaming, shaking, sobbing....the denial.

The confirmation.

Nobody will every understand the part of me that you saw in me.
The things that you see that I don't have to explain....feels like I lost a piece of my heart.
Nobody argued with me the way you did...nobody butted heads with me and debated with me like you...nobody ever made me look into another person's life experience like you did.
You were a part of me that taught me to love and respect others for who they are.

But you were also the one that snickered and laughed and made those awful jokes...I miss them
I miss your presence, your voice...I miss you.

I wish I could explain to you all the things that you've help me become if you didn't already know.

My head is killing me and I'm done for now but I really loved you and I'll always cherish your memory.